Actual Excerpts From Today’s Centre County, PA Newspaper.

“Police have apprehended a man suspected in an armed robbery at the Penns Valley Pharmacy. The suspect allegedly held a customer hostage with a butcher knife and demanded OxyContin. The clerk handed over the drug. The suspect fled in a red Jeep Cherokee on Route 45 about 12:30 p.m. and was caught.”

“At about 11:40 p.m. Saturday, Woodson allegedly threw a paper cup and plate filled with horse feces through the window of a marked patrol car on McAllister Alley, striking an officer in the chest.Police say they caught Woodson after a foot chase and that his back, buttocks and hands were covered in horse feces. Police believe Woodson may have fallen into a pile of horse feces, before deciding to throw some at a police officer.”

“A 50-year-old Philipsburg woman is accused of striking a 48-year-old man in the head with a large frying pan. State police say the 48-year-old man, also from Philipsburg, suffered an abrasion on his head.”

“A driver with his sunroof down was struck by a full beer can, thrown from an apartment at 316 W. Beaver Ave., State College. The man suffered a minor neck injury, but police say the injury was mitigated because the can struck part of the roof, before striking the man. Police say the 22-year-old suspect says he was trying to throw the beer can to a friend on a higher floor. Charges are pending, police say.”