“Oh hey, I’m glad you made it to my housewarming party. I see your looks of confusion, and yes, it IS an unconventional home in this vast, barren vortex. But I’ve got my twisted mattress spacechair, and that’s all I need. So pull yourself a carpet square off the pile and let’s talk random swirls of grey canvas.”

I’m not entirely sure where one is to sit for optimum tiny TV viewing, as it seems to be facing away from the seating area…but considering the snowy picture of what appears to be either an Osmond or Burt Reynolds, it’s probably for the best. Perhaps the looming owl is not what he seems.

Not to mention the dust collection, the mites that will love to live in it, and the enduring smell. Every boy’s dream is to sleep in a room that reeks of a feed sack.

You never know when they’re going to show up…that gaggle of effete hunters of duck, and their giggling dogs that pop out of the bushes when you miss. Here’s to them, those unsung heroes: the mallard murderers. We’ll fix them a nice dinner on the GOOD china, we will.

“Baby. I know you really want to get all ANIMAL with me tonight. Let’s go into my boudoir and get you in the mood. See there, I hand carved those traditional masks from padauk and teak to bring out those primal urges that make the night so special. I brought in a felled sapling to bring the outdoors…INdoors. And the bear rug…shot that myself, baby. Want to roll around on that dead animal to get the scent so right?”

The gay Pennsylvania Dutch are a small but closeknit sect of Nebraska Amish who choose to wear copious amounts of cologne, spent their Rummspringa dancing to Lady GaGa, and who set a tasteful and refined holiday table.

Nothing says “cheerful home” like plastic fruit and a dust-magnet quilt-y calico cloth-covered wall with appliqué and knitted “paintings” of the two sanitarium options you have.

The Logan’s Run living room only works if you’re under thirty years old.

The living room that Freud would never be able to decipher…

The sofa that hides the kind of stains with which you don’t want to have contact.

The kind of living room someone mentally ill would create in an interior decorating class.