And we all know what those hand signals mean, girls.

“Darling, I absolutely love these ‘concept sweaters.’ Who knew that a knitted tribute to the victims of smallpox could be so…fashionable?”

Lunch at Chipotle was NOT settling well with Lisa.

“I’m not sure, Billy – I mean, you’re really good and all, but do you really think you can pull off this Judas Priest song on clarinet?”

“It’s really great that I got the family on this Adderol regimen,” said Mr. Taylor, smiling intently at his wife.”I feel so…FOCUSED.”

“I am mesmerized by the pattern of your sweater yolk,” replied Mrs. Taylor, “So mesmerized, in fact, that I spent the last 72 hours knitting all of us the exact same pattern in different chromatic schemes.”

Little Wesley would have agreed heartily, if he hadn’t been so engrossed in the wale pattern of his mother’s corduroy slacks.

The good news is, you don’t have to be. If you’re a WASP and a god-fearing Republican looking for family values, a great way to find them is to dress identically to your mate – for solidarity in GOD, GUNS, and GAUGES. That way, when the Marxist Socialist state you fear finally comes to America, you’ve already been prepared in your bunker for the required uniforms from the Ministry of Cuddleknits.

“Well,” said Sadie with a shrug of her shoulders, “I guess it’s true that misery does love company.”

“Especially when it involves cataract surgery,” replied Derek, in his trademark snarl.

Meet Norma. She wants a baby. NOW. She’s feeling her biological clock ticking…ticking…ticking, until she can almost feel her innards drying up. Norma would make a great mom, if she can find the right sucker to “accidentally” knock her up after Grey’s some drunken evening during a fit of end-of-episode passion. She knows how to cook and clean, but prefers to not do a whole messload of housework if she can help it, because she has to make sure her babymaker is in tip-top form. She promises to whimper longingly at any stroller she passes on the street, and give you ga-ga eyes if you’ve got a working member, and you’re supposed to get the hint.

Any takers?

Yolanda and Reggie were young, happy, in love, and setting off bad superstitious vibes left and right.

“Don’t ever open an umbrella indoors,” warned Grandmama once, “It’s BAD LUCK!”

They scoffed at the old wives’ tale, until Grandmama had the last laugh. Both were electrocuted when Reggie accidentally hit a klieg light and they got zapped.

Troy’s smug face would soon be obliterated when Elmer Fudd decided to use that musket once and for all.