The late Sir Nigel Hawthorne…and the very alive H. Ross Perot?

That’s right, y’all. Get them kids hooked on the sugar water out of a glass bottle early. He ain’t got no teeth yet, anyway.

We told Loretta that sledding down the Matterhorn in that rickety old thing that Marty Kelpman made in shop class was a bad f•••ing idea (especially because he only got a C- on it), but the stupid bitch wouldn’t listen. We think the overdose of Adderol had something to do with it.

The memorial service was lovely.

During the photo shoot, Bertram suddenly let out a ringing peal of girlish laughter – as that rascal Mark naughtily found his “sweet spot.”

Yo, happy birthday to Mad Vortex contributor Josh Korwin!

“Children, meet your new baby brother, Kevin.”

“Aww, he’s so cute, Mommy! Can we play with him?”

“Not yet, children. There’s someone else I want for you to meet. He’s very special to Kevin. You might have seen him hanging around after Father left in that fury several months ago. This is Mr. Willoughby, the milkman.”

Secrets flashed wordlessly between them. The school chastity ball brought forth a night of passion…forbidden by most cultures, yes, but not one without fire and raw lust. Chaperoned by him, seduced in a golf cart afterward. Oh, if only they could repeat that magical night, but all she could say to him was,

“Good morning, Mike…I mean, Mr. Hammond.”

“Good morning, Patti. I trust you did your…homework last night?” He coughed nervously. Mrs. Taylor was in the elevator.

“I did, sir. I did it all night.”

“Good girl.”

Other reasons:

a) find a way to dig out the small children lost in that forest of teased hair

b) understand the logic behind the drawn eyebrows

c) pry the brochure from Darlene’s cold, dead fingers.